PODCAST SHOWNOTES

Nicole Otchy: A few weeks ago I was minding my business way too late at night scrolling TikTok as I do and I heard somebody say something that I have not been able to stop thinking about; which is not usually what happens when you're like deep in a late-night scroll sesh, you know what I mean? Because I can't stop thinking about it I also realize this is something we need to talk about collectively. Kind of like how I'm so excited about the new season of the New York Housewives, but that we'll save for another venue.

For this chat, I want to talk about this concept that I heard somebody talking about, that somebody can love you very, very deeply, and still not have the capacity to participate in a relationship in a way that makes having them in your life possible or sustainable. And the more I thought about that idea in my own personal life and the pain that knowing that could have prevented, the more I have realized that it all also explains something I see in all transformational work, including personal styling and even in the consulting and coaching I do now. And it's critical to be very aware of this difference between somebody's intention and their capacity because wanting a transformation of any sort and having the capacity to participate in it are two completely different things, but if we don't make that explicit in the way we think as experts you will experience a lot more suffering in your business than you need to and you will also take responsibility for things that are not yours to take responsibility for.

And because you're a personal stylist, this distinction can actually change how you understand your clients, how you understand your process, and how you look at your role in their transformation, in a way that gives you a much better relationship with your business long term. So, that's what we're going to talk about today.

This is A Six Figure Personal Stylist Podcast. I'm Nicole Otchy and this is a show for personal stylists building world class businesses and setting the standard in their industry. We're talking all things profitable growth, thought leadership and real client transformation. Because the best stylists don't just edit closets, they shape culture.

So, over the last 5 years I have learned a version of this lesson in so many different areas of my life, personally and professionally. Wanting something and having the capacity to participate in it. Wanting something and having the capacity in creating it are two completely different things. You can desperately want something. You can mean it when you say that you want it with every fiber of your being and you can still struggle with what having that thing actually requires of you.

This shows up so, so often in the work that stylists do with their clients, because a client can absolutely want to upgrade their style to experience a transformation in a way that they see themselves when they look in the mirror. They want to feel better in clothes. They want to be a more confident person. They can want a wardrobe that reflects who they are now and the life that they have built. And they can really want to command a different energy and presence when they're out in the world; and you can believe them. I can believe them. And I think most people that come to a stylist, especially when you're charging a certain rate, are all in. They're serious, and that's actually why I think pricing matters so much. But, eventually there are going\ to be people for whom wanting the outcome runs directly into the reality of participating in the process that's going to get them there. And this is where I think a lot of people outside of this\ industry, who coach stylists, who consult with them, drastically misunderstand what we do. Because it's like "oh, you're just selling clothes, right?". That's what people say, that's what, even people think, when they become a stylist, and sure, yeah, like at the end of the day your job, your deliverable is to make sure that people have clothes in their closet, right or they have outfits in their closet, or you edit their closet, or whatever that is, but if you've done this work for any amount of time, whether you consider yourself transformational or not, they stop feeling like quote unquote just clothes pretty quickly when somebody has to put them on their body and walk out of the house looking, potentially, very very different than how they showed up in the world before, sometimes for decades.

You can say you want to be more visible, right? You can say that. I have said that in my life, in my career, but then you put something on that makes you feel visible, that has people looking at you and you suddenly become aware of people looking at you, and then all of a sudden that discomfort that might creep in when you are visible can make you doubt whether or not that was actually the outcome you wanted. You can say that you want to look more polished and professional at work, but then when you just spend money on clothes that represent a version of yourself that gets respected and noticed and called on more, suddenly feels like a decision that carries a lot more weight than it did to just keep buying random things off Amazon, that you're only going to wear twice, and feel comfortable and sort of passed over in, and what difference does it make anyways because it wasn't that big of an investment. And so, when people say that they want this change, or they want a new wardrobe, that's, that's fair, and it might even be true. But then they're standing in their closet looking at clothes that's connected to a past version of themselves that they invested in, that they worked hard for, that their friends and their peers accepted them in, and all of a sudden, they're just clothes when they're about to buy clothes that look so radically outside of their comfort zone, it becomes not just about clothes anymore; it becomes about acceptance. And that's why I will always maintain that transformational work in styling or in any other area has to be, at its root, collaborative.

As a stylist, you do have a job to do. Your job is to bring your expertise, your perspective, your ability to see the possibilities your client can't for themselves, yet. You're there to guide a process and you're there to help them make decisions. Your job is to create an experience that moves them towards the result that they came to you for, but eventually the client does have to participate too.

You can help someone through discomfort, but you cannot experience the discomfort for them. I know sometimes it does feel like you are, but, at the end of the day, you can't. You can give somebody your professional opinion, but you can't make them trust it or take it, if that's not what they're there for. You can curate a wardrobe that, in your mind, will change how somebody views themselves, but you're still not going to be the person that has to put the clothes on their body in the morning and walk out into the world. And I think this is where things can get really emotionally heavy and, sometimes confusing, for stylists. Because when a client is struggling, our instinct is often to assume that we need to be doing more. You need to explain it better. You need to go find more options. You need to be spending more time with them. You need to figure out the perfect thing that will finally make it easier for them to actually make a decision, and stand by it. And there are cases where you may need to do more. I am not absolving you from looking at that. Sometimes a client is struggling because there is something that you need to get better at. There is something in your approach or your process that needs to change, or isn't working as well as it could. But, sometimes, a lot of times, in my conversations with clients, what gets revealed is that the thing that is the problem is that they are carrying a part of the experience that belongs to the client.

And I'm going to say something here that I think is going to surprise you. This is where I think systems become so much more important than stylists realize. Because when I talk to many people about systems in their business as stylists, they tend to react, saying things like "well, it's sort of that big picture, boring"; they tend to act like "I'm not good at those; that's boring, it's administrative stuff. I don't do well in that. I'm creative. I don't like to deal with workflows and automation, and organization" and, yeah, like, I don't really either, and I get why it doesn't seem fun, but it matters a lot. And, perhaps after realizing how much it matters to the actual transformation I seem like I like processes and systems more than I do, or that like, I'm good at them, that I'm actually not good at them, so I understand those reservations. I really, really do. But, I think a good system does something much more interesting than just keeping your business organized. And this is what I want to bring to the conversation today.

It's that it creates emotional safety. And when you think about what you're actually asking someone to do when they hire you. There's a lot of points where emotional safety, or lack thereof, can really derail the process. Someone might be inviting you into their home, into their closet that they are afraid that they will be, you know, judged by. You're going to see the clothes that they spent money on, and maybe never wore. You may see some spending habits through those clothes that they're ashamed of. You're going to learn things about how they see themselves, that might not be obvious when you first met them, or they filled out your new client form, and for some people, not for everybody, this is a vulnerable experience. And when you have a clear process, they don't have to spend the entire time wondering what is happening. They know where they are, and what's going to be next. They understand what they can expect from you. There is a structure holding the experience together. And that matters because a good process gives people somewhere to put all of their messy, human, natural, and normal stuff that will come up when you pass the idea that this is just clothes.

The experience is still personal when you have systems. It will still be emotional, and it can still be completely customized to the person in front of you, but nobody is also then wandering around in the dark, trying to figure out what the hell is supposed to happen next, and thinking about how much money they just handed you, and are you going to disappoint them. And, there's one other thing that I think is really critical to understand about your systems that are just as valuable. They help you understand what is happening in your business when something goes wrong. Without a process and systems, every difficult client experience will feel like chaos, and potentially feel like the end of the world. Something goes off track, and suddenly you're in your head for days, sometimes, right? Trying to figure out what happened. Why did the client go silent? Why is this taking longer than I would've guessed? Why do I feel like I've pulled more shirts than the internet should even be able to house at this point, for this human being? And a process gives you something to come back to. You can look at the experience and start to understand where things went off track, or where what the client said they wanted versus how they're acting changed. And, over time, you're going to get really, really good at seeing the difference between something that you need to improve, and something the client needs more support around. And, a situation where you've started trying to do somebody else's part of the work for them.

And, that last part is a big one for established stylists, because I think this is where boundaries come from. I know when people hear the word boundaries in business, they often immediately think, like "rules and policies", and that's not how they want to interact with their clients; that's not what I mean. I do think you need those things, but they aren't going to come across the way that it may sound.

The boundary I'm talking about here is a lot deeper than whether someone can text you at 9 o'clock at night, or not. Although, you are welcome to have those boundaries too. It's understanding where your responsibility ends. Because when you care about your clients, as I know all of you do, it's just too easy to over-function. They're overwhelmed, so you start making decisions for them that they should be making. They're a little uncertain, so you work harder to try to convince them. They're struggling with the follow through on, say, online shops, and before you know it, you're pulling hours-more tops because the other things were sold out, they didn't get to them in time, but you haven't been compensated for that time. And if you do that enough, because there is no system, or policy, or communication in place, you end up in a really miserable place, and you're exhausted; and you're frustrated. And, somewhere along the way, you've lost sight of whose job was whose in a transformational process.

And, that doesn't mean that we're not supporting people when things get difficult. The hard parts are still going to be part of the work. I can't rescue you from all of it. But, you have to understand the difference between supporting somebody through the process, and taking over the process because you're uncomfortable watching somebody struggle, when that might be what they need to actually accept their next level.

And, let's be honest about this; this is not, like true discomfort, ok? This is where I really feel the need to just, like almost roll my eyes at this conversation, when people say, "well, I know the client doesn't want to fill out a form", or "you know, they're having a hard time making decisions, and I don't want to make them uncomfortable". This is not what true discomfort is if you're an adult, I'm sorry. But, like, if you tell me that, I know automatically that there are some places for you to look, in your own life. Because, when somebody tells you that it is too hard for them to fill out a form to help you do your job better, to get the transformation they claim they want, they simply don't want it enough. And, you need to reorganize your brain around what is actually hard as a human being. Having a sick child is hard. Doing a job no one's done before and trying to create, you know, trying to feed the masses is hard. Trying to make sure that we have health care for little children that don't have any money is hard. This isn't hard. It's not. And so, when you get that, all of a sudden, you and your systems, and your processes become a stand for your client's results.

That doesn't mean you don't support them anymore. It means you have a baseline understanding of what everybody's role here is, and what we need to do to go forward, and we don't take things like filling out a form to be hard. And, I've been thinking about this a lot lately because, honestly, stylists do exactly the same thing in their own businesses. I've done it in my businesses, too. We want things. We want consistent revenue. We want better clients. We want people with better budgets. We want to feel confident selling. We want marketing to feel fun and easy, and light, and creative. We want business that's not chaotic all the time, and causing\ meltdowns that we're crying to our spouse about at midnight every other week. And I believe my clients when they tell me they want those things. But my role in their life and in their business is to eventually acknowledge that if that is what you want in your business, it's probably going to start asking something of you.

You have to make decisions sometimes before you're totally certain. You have to be honest about what isn't working, including your own behavior. You have to tolerate the fact that sometimes you will try something and you will not have anyone clap for you, and it won't work the way that you hoped for, and life will move on.

This is about participating after the initial excitement wears off. This is also what happens with clients, right, with styling clients. They get excited about the idea of shopping or not having to do the shopping themselves, but when it comes to making the decisions that they still are responsible for making, we're still not there, right?

When you are left with the part about actually having to build the thing, including the new identity, it is easy to claim that something feels too hard, when it is just the cost of admission to the show, and I don't say that judgmentally. Why I say that is because one of the things that needs to be acknowledged in your business and in your client's lives is that transformation is not something that anybody just deserves. It's not like a basic human right.

It is a capacity that people have, that all people have. And capacity is something that can be stretched, but it can also be limited in a real way, depending on legitimate factors. There are seasons of life when you will genuinely have less capacity for things. Sometimes you will need to slow down. Sometimes you will need to get support. Sometimes circumstances are going to change in your life and in your client's, and what you are capable of doing in that moment is going to change, and it can be very, very hard. But, it's also real.

I have experienced this many times. And I think it's worth being honest with ourselves about the difference between wanting something, and participating in creating it. Because wanting a different business is just the beginning. It is the bare minimum. But, eventually you have to put in the energy and the resources to build that business, and that's why I started the styling consultancy with established stylists, because the gap between what they wanted and what their capacity for with the skill set that they had as business owners was big. And I knew that I had that gap and I could help them close it. So, I built Accelerator, my mentorship program for that point. And the people that got the most out of that program aren't necessarily the people who arrive knowing the most, who have perfect systems. They're the people that are willing to work with what is actually happening in their business. They have taken a look at the messy things and instead of avoiding it, they commit to making decisions, and then trying those things; and getting feedback, and adjusting. And keeping going, not sitting in "this just feels hard".

And, that is why I built a program that has the last part focused on implementation, and on direct feedback from me. It is 8 weeks, not of information. It is a few weeks of information and decision making that you and I go back and forth on. And then I send you back into your business to actually make it real; and, you have me with you as you do that, getting feedback. The point is to take the work we've done, and actually start to put it into practice, because knowing what to do, and participating in doing it, are very different things. And sometimes you need support in that, just like your clients. And that's what I've been thinking about since I heard that TikTok.

Over the last 5 years I have become a lot more interested in the gap between what we say we want, and what it actually takes to create it. And, as I see this business grow, and I watch the caliber of stylists that come out of these programs, not because of what I do, but because of what they do, I realize that the more stylists that actually participate in this, in their own business, the better styling clients they get. Because, they can see what the work does. What transformational work actually means when it comes into reality. It's not just the fun part of shopping. Though it doesn't have to necessarily be stressful, either. It's just that, when you tell a client "you're responsible for this. I'm responsible for this. You can get way better results, way faster, with way less friction, with way less nightmares, basically, than many people experience now. And that's also true in your business. When you have someone else to partner with you, and you're not just sitting in your house, all the time, you know, wondering "Am I doing this right? Is it me? Why is that stylist on Instagram? They're doing so good", you lose what makes you good. You lose what makes you magical. You lose what got you into this game to begin with, after years.

And that's what this program helps you get back to, and what I help support you into. Intentionality matters. Wanting something matters. If you want a different business, at some point you have to participate in building it, and that is one of the most valuable things that a good process gives a stylist, including peace of mind. Because when you have that, you don't have to keep making decisions from scratch, all of the time. You can see what needs to be improved. You can put that into action and then you can keep moving. And it helps us understand where we're carrying something that was never ours to carry in the first place.

And so my goal in Accelerator is to take out all of the meaningless and unuseful decision points that are not going to move you forward so you know exactly which ones that you need to take action on in order to get the results you want because you probably don't need more information if you are an established stylist who has worked with your ideal client. You need to get inside the actual business and understand what you're doing well, and what we can do better, so that you can start getting into action faster and more consistently. The last program of this year starts October 19th. Applications are open now. You can find it in the link in the show notes. If you've been wanting more from your business for a while, and you're ready to actually get to work creating it, apply to the link in the show notes, and in the meantime I will talk to you next time.

Thank you so much for hanging out with me. It turns out that social proof is actually pretty important, so if you could help me out, I'd so appreciate it. If you just have a quick free moment and could leave me a rating or review on the podcast app, that would be killer. And, even better, if you want to share this episode on Instagram and tag me, that would totally make my day. And, it would bring so much more awareness to the podcast, and would help other stylists just like you, who are looking to build lucrative styling businesses. Because the better each of us does, the better all of us do. Thanks for hanging out with me, and I'll chat with you next time.